Showing love to little people who are deathly afraid to love.

This is the hardest job I've ever had.

It's like everything that was supposed to happen in their little histories in the way of love and connection, never did, or happened all wrong in the worst of ways.  So now, they're all wired backwards.  Joy can come out as anger.  Excitement can come out as tantrums.  If you're only with them for a week, they fall in love with you, but if they know you'll be there a year, they push you away and treat you nastily so they don't have to lose you.

Everything I loved about teaching - connection, discovery, mutual creation - it's all absent.  Or it comes in such scant little moments that I feel like I'm parched in a dessert, licking up some tiny drop of water I've found somewhere.  Or they hide it from you because they don't want you to know you've touched them, and sometimes, you find out through the grapevine that something you said or did was meaningful, and that tiny little glimmer is all you have to keep you going for days or even weeks of dark.

Yesterday I was reading a little quote book that I kept of funny things my kids used to say in Taiwan.  I was laughing out loud.  They were so fun and whimsical.  They soaked up any love you gave them and used it power their little minds through the learning process.  They loved to find ways to impress you or make your laugh with the way they used their new vocabulary words.

"My elbow grows on an elbow tree."  ~ Jerry, low level English student

"He didn't want to talk about what happened at the zoo, because he feel in the monkey cage, and the monkey made him her baby."  ~ Jolin, mid-level English student

"That man is raking up pieces of human flesh."  ~ Thomas, a macabre, high-level student :o)

But here... well... I just can't see that ever happening.  It's like they're allergic to learning, because they're allergic to engaging.  And they're allergic to failure, so they don't even try.  There are bright spots, but they are like a match someone strikes that goes out almost the second you look at it, rather than the super nova that my former students gave me.

I wish I could say I was strong enough for the matches to be enough to keep me going.  But I don't know if I am.  I just don't know.

The hardest job I've ever had.

中文課在孤兒院

嗯... 我今天教我的第一堂中文課。好像學生很喜歡。我教兩個
學生。五分鐘後，再三個來請我也教他們。

Changing Perspectives

Viviana sporting a blue tongue

photo by Rick

Today, Rick and I did "story time" after school for the second and third grade.  Rick read a book about a crocodile that thought he was a duck.  Martin was *not* pleased.  He had on his angry face and he wouldn't walk by himself and kept mumbling, "Why we no play legos?"  And then, after about two pages, he was hooked.

While I was sitting, pretending it was the most fascinating story I'd ever heard in order to get the kids invested, Yajaira and Viviana, the twins climbed up on my lap, one on each leg.  Now, these girls aren't tubs are anything , but they. are. solid. All muscle those two.  It was like I had two baby giants on my knees, and I felt so small and petite by comparison, even while I'm no lightweight myself.

My thoughts wandered back to a different time in Taiwan a few years back when I signed up for an aerobics class with a bunch of young Taiwanese women.  I was trying to lose weight at the time, and was succeeding.  Every morning, I would take a shower and then look at my belly in the mirror and think, "Today. Today!  Today I will not feel HUMONGOUS compared to those beautiful wisps of women."  And then I would walk into the class with three walls of mirrors, surrounded by teeny, tiny, petitist-of-petite ladies, and look at my big German-English frame fumbling around to the salsa moves and think, "I'm an AMAZON!"

It was funny to feel the perspective shift.

Dramatic Compliments

So, out of the blue in third grade theatre class today, came this dialogue...

Alondra:  Miss Rebekah, you look so pretty today!
Anita:  Yes.  Your socks are so pretty.
Alondra: And her hair. I like her hair!
Caila: And her skirt is so pretty!
Alondra: And her earrings!
Estefania: And her shirt is so pretty!
Anita:  And those socks with those shoes....!
Wilson: Why you have bruises on you leg?
Rebekah: I don't know.  I bruise easily.

I did wonder if they were buttering me up for something (except Wilson, who was just being Wilson), but I honestly didn't care.  These kids can be so moody and tough sometimes, I felt so happy just to hear them practice using kind words.

*Sigh* I'll never change my clothes again.

CONGA! at Casa de Fe

Stayed for Zumba after school today. This was the cool down. Wild times!  

By this point, I had danced for an hour straight with kids taking turns on my back.  I was drenched!  And at one point, there was this one tiny, little dude up dancing on a table.  Ha!  I didn't even know that dude could walk.  They learn early at the foundation.  Otherwise, they just get left in the dust!

Foxtails, Bushmasters, and a bit of Risk-taking

One of the kids lost our foxtail toy in a mini-jungle beside the soccer pitch today and we had to go in after it.  We went home and changed into our bushmaster clothes 'cause we were afraid of "The Equis."  The kids kept coming in and spreading out like ants.  I kept having to shoo them out because they were all in shorts and flip-flops.  We FOUND it though, after like an hour of combing.  The foxtail, that is.  NOT the Equis.

"My strength is sufficient..."

I've always been very self-reliant.  I think the particular blend of skills and talents God gave me, along with some great educators, and just happening to pick areas to work in where these skills come in super-handy, has sort of deceived me into thinking that I can take on just about anything all by myself.  On top of that, I don't really trust other people, so I like to just get things done myself.

So, for better and worse, I'm used to thriving on my own, and pretty much liking it that way.

This job does not facilitate that.  For the first time in my life, I'm in WAY over my head.  I try all the tricks I've learned in the last 10 years of teaching, and they often blow up in my face.  I do tons of research about these kids and this type of situation, and it helps a little some days, while others, I've tried all of it, and still I have a violent tantrum on my hands and I'm just standing there, baffled.  I've asked friends who are professionals for advice, which also helps some, but not enough.  And I give myself more and more margin every day, and still I'm left feeling drained and sometimes, even a bit traumatized.

On one particularly low night, I just cried out to God, and told Him I didn't know what to do anymore.  "I give up!  You're going to have to just take over, because I've tried everything I know how to do, and there's nothing left.  I feel like I've failed."

I rarely say I feel like God is speaking to me, but I thought I heard Him speak then.  He said, "It was never you anyway.  You aren't going to heal them.  I am.  Just put the final result in my hands, and follow me for the guidance.  I'll guide you as you go.  I know what to do."

It's been getting slowly better since then.

Matt. 11:28-29

Make your holiday shopping COUNT!

20% of AVON sales currently go toward getting a photo copier for Casa de Fe when you use this code (CASA2012) at this Avon site.

A word of encouragment

Someone from our mission who has been following our online posts said this about us.  It made us feel nice:

We sure do appreciate you all there at Casa de Fe - you Estes have added an important zaniness that really help people and places not give up:) We are praying for you all - you are doing "real good" :)

Breakthrough

I had an older student that's normally so well-behaved really act up yesterday.  I asked her what was wrong and told her I knew she didn't normally act up like that.  She wouldn't tell me, but after a couple minutes, she perked up, and was completely fine.

Today I pulled her aside and told her she did a great job "coming back to the class" after that.  I asked her again what was wrong.  She said nothing was, but then suddenly just threw her arms around me and smiled super big.  The smile looked real.

Puppet Personality

Today I let my students use puppets in class, because there was thunder, and they were pretty scared. Well, one of the boys, Martin, had this whole other personality emerge! He and his puppet were conversing about questions I asked THE WHOLE CLASS LONG: 

Me: So, is your puppet a boy or a girl? 

*Martin and Hormiguita duck behind a cabinet and confer. Hormiguita pops out.* 

Hormiguita: I'm a boy! *looks at Martin* Yes? 

Martin: Yes. 

Hormiguita: Yes. I'm a boy!

Giggle Fit!

PE at Casa de Fe!

Learning Curve

It's strange and exciting and sometimes intensely difficult all at the same time getting used to teaching and working with a new brand of kids. It can be baffling when stuff that used to work like a charm with my kiddos in Taiwan totally backfires in my face here. You think... kids are kids. And in some ways, it's true. But others, not so much.

First Official Day

Cleaning out the new school. First official day at the orphanage. Very good in some ways, but very overwhelming in others. This is going to call for some "Need for Speed" aww yeeeeah! I'm *so thankful* the house we're house-sitting at has video games.

R&R Abroad Comic, Edition 1

Introducing... Casa de Fe Orphanage in Shell, Ecuador

Amazing video about the amazing place we're going to work!

Find out more about the orphanage we're working for here:  www.lacasadefe.org

Hey everybody, If you'd like to sign up for Rick's and my orphanage newsletter,

just click here! Don't worry. We're brief and entertaining.

Subscribe to our newsletter!

Unicorn Dream

My cousin had a dream about me last night.  It went something like this:

I had a dream last night that Becky was a unicorn, but she was disguised as a human. And to find out who the unicorn was, we had to fashion a divining rod out of three different pieces from Crayola markers.

I was with someone who was using the divining rod while trying to remain undetected, although Becky and Richard James Estes were becoming suspicious (Obviously Rick knew and was trying to protect her). Then I collected a large mound of candy including gummy worms and peach rings and sour patch kids. Then we all sat down to eat in a hut of sorts.  Everyone very suspicious of one another. Then I woke up. But in another part of the dream Zach went to prom.  And for some reason Hitler was in there at some point too.

Accepted!!!

Rick and I were just officially accepted to Cornerstone International, the sending organization for the orphanage we're working at this school year! Now we can start raising funds for our year there and get health insurance! Yay!

Faith Assembly

Went to a church today that was just... exploding with joy!! I walked in and they were singing, and the bass-player was dancing because he was having so much fun and just didn't care how he looked, and... I don't know how to explain it... but there just wasn't room inside me for anything but JOY! The whole place was moving and singing and ALIVE!

Chesapeake Bay

Ponies on Assateaque Island

Rick and I went to a truck camper rally on the Chesapeake Bay to spend some quality time with my parents.  Wild ponies, stunning sunsets, delicious seafood, and COUNTRY LINE DANCING.  What more could a gal want?

School Pic

Here's Rick and I and the Casa de Fe School, March 2012

Photo by Christen Webster

Good Fit

We've been back in Quito from the orphanage for a week.

I crashed. Unexpectedly though...

... because that month at the orphanage just fit like a glove. They needed EFL training; Rick and I just spent the last nine years of our lives in a very competitive teaching environment learning how to teach EFL for maximum results.

It felt *so good* to be working with kids again. It felt *so good* to see that light in their eyes when you connect with them on something. And it felt *so good* to hear the teachers tell us that what we'd shown them had been really helpful.

Thanks Casa de Fe. You gave us much more than we gave you. We got the best end of the deal.

(Photo by Christen Webster)

Decompressing...

Twilight laughs

We hung out with the other volunteers Friday night before we left. It's been sooo long since I've been with a group of people who were so like-minded, fun and effortless to be with. We sat on a back porch with a stunning view of the nearby jungle and volcanoes, and told stories and just laughed and laughed. Good. Catharsis. The Aussie and I kept everyone entertained between the two of us.

I'm taking the Aussie back with us to Quito for a week.

Just do it

I know some of you have been hearing the orphanage stories and thinking, "I wish I could do that for a bit." You should just dooo it. Don't worry. You'll be in good hands, heh heh. >:o)

Time to Say Goodbye

Kelcy and friends at Casa de Fe

Getting ready for my last day at the orphanage. (For now. We're coming back in August).

I'll be sad to say goodbye to the group I've been working with. It's been a while since I've been with a whole group of people who were so fun and effortless to be with. Thank you all!! It's been like... play therapy!

My walk home from work every day

Photo by Christen Webster

You know it's the jungle when...

Photo by Christen Webster

Asked some kids today if they'd eaten frog before:

Thalya: Yes! I've eaten it.
Me: Really? Me too. Did you like it?
Thalya: No! My mom tricked me. She told me it was armadillo!

dabbling in speech

I got to help a little girl today a bit with her speech problem, and I really loved it. And, weirdly, I think she liked it too.

I'd like to send a shout-out to my last boss Brian - I thought about you today as I was using a lot of your exaggerated pronunciation techniques. :o)

Mystery solved: Violence* is* the answer... when it comes to the attention span of preschoolers

So during opening excercises at the orphanage school, we always sing church songs. The preschoolers often spend this time staring into space, perhaps sucking a thumb. One might cuddle up to a teacher and try to get held. Twirling seems to be a pastime of many of the girls. A lot of the songs are slower and have words that don't always make sense to them. And even though there are videos projected with lyrics, they don't read yet, so there's not much to see.

But there's one song that the preschoolers always request, and to which they give rapt attention. It's the group Rojo's "Te Amo Mas Que A Mi Misma Vida."

Principal: What song do you want to sing today?

Preschoolers: The Jesus song!!

They call it this, because the video has scenes from the Jesus movie spliced into it.

Principal: Wow! I think you all really like that song! You always request it.

It's true. They do. But I never could figure this out. It's one of the slow ones, a quiet song. Not the kind of song that usually holds appeal for kids who would name eating play-doh off the floor as one of their favorite activities.

Well, today, the truth came out. Rick had it figured out all along.

Rick: (leaning over and whispering to me) Hey, I know why the preschoolers like this song.

Me: What? I've been wondering that! Why?

Rick: Watch them during the scenes from the Jesus movie. They like the part where Peter cuts off the soldier's ear.

Me: What? (laughing) Really?

Rick: Yeah. Watch them today.

Me: Why?

Rick: Wait for it.

So I waited. And watched.

It started about halfway through the song. A visible ripple went through the line of preschoolers. Then one of the girls, a twirler, ratcheted up the twirling a few notches and put her hands up to her ears. A boy, Angel, broke off from the rest of the group and got a little closer to the projector.

Jesus was in the garden and people and soldiers were entering with torches.

Angel: It's coming!

The ripple grew into little wavelets, as the preschoolers started a light jump on the balls of their feet. Rosita can't walk, so she did it on her knees.

Jesus stood up from the rock where he was praying as he was surrounded.

Angel: It's in a MINUTE!

Peter jumped up, sword in hand.

Preschoolers: (in hushed whispers) It's coming! Don't miss it! It's in a minute...

*SLASH* Off goes the ear.

The song ended.

Principal: Wow! What good singing! And such a pretty song. I can tell you all really like to sing it.

Rick says that after the song every day, one or more of three things happen.

1) The preschoolers all hold their ears.

2) They share in hushed whispers how much it would hurt.

3) They start jumping around and cutting off each other's ears with imaginary swords.

Today it was the third.

And now there's a fourth: I try not to wet my pants.

(3/22/2012)

underpants

In your opinion, how many pairs of underwear should a two-year-old own that is potty training?

(3/22/2012)

anniversary

Happy Four Years to my Rickybabe!

Four years of... Love, kisses, three weddings(!), silly inside jokes, This American Life, teaching and loving kids in a very strange and wonderful country, doing puppet shows, researching weird stuff, coping with hard stuff, kung fu, dates to the middle of nowhere with a bottle of wine, Sunday drives, fun times, hard times, learning times, changing times... good times. I love you, babe.

(3/21/2012)

error

一失足成千古恨
"The error of one moment becomes the sorrow of a whole life." - Chinese proverb

Nothing bad happened. I just liked the quote.

(3/19/2012)

little things

Sometimes it's the little things... the *real* shower curtain that my mother-in-law brought me is making me so happy.

(3/18/2012)

that's all, folks

‎:o( I have bought and drank all of the diet coke I could find in Shell - which was only two little bottles.

(St. Patty's, 2012)

A quote from him on his birthday, and mine

"Falling in love is not at all the most stupid thing that people do – but gravitation cannot be held responsible for it."

-Albert Einstein

(3/14/2012)

New kid

New little girl showed up at the orphanage today. Don't know her story yet, but she just cried, cried, cried all day. I'm sure it's all scary when you're new.

I wanted so bad to just hold her, but I'm big and white and scary too, so I just let the PT do it.

(3/13/2012)

eager keener

Had one student today who just can't quite get it yet: one of the parrots in the cage out behind the orphanage. I think he'll get there eventually though. He was trying like crazy!

(3/13/2012)

Father to the fatherless

Felt really overwhelmed at the orphanage today:

Was thinking about friends and family who've recently had babies, and how lucky those babies are to have two people who are *madly in love* with them. And I felt heartsick - that the kids in the orphanage, no matter how we provide for their physical and educational needs, are missing all the emotional and developmental support that two crazy people who are madly in love with them supply. And it shows!
And that even if I'm willing to do it, I literally can't do it for 60 some kids. At least not at the same time. And certainly not even close to as often as they need.

1) Thanks to my parents and Rick's parents for all you did for us, before we even understood what you were doing.

2) Thanks God for this, because it's the only thing today that kept me from feeling despair:

"Father of the fatherless and protector of widows is God in his holy habitation."
Psalm 68:5

(Photo by Christen Webster; Posted 3/9/2012)

Mmm.

Mmm. Jungle rain. I'd like to stay in bed.

(3/7/2012)

It ain't Kansas anymore, or Quito, as the case may be

My Taiwan kitchen overlooked a swamp. My kitchen here overlooks the jungle.

Going back into preemptive-strike mode on the mold and bugs and creatures, oh my~!

(3/7/2012)

Jungle town, here we are.

Rick and I are in the jungle town of Shell, working at an orphanage for a month, helping out with their EFL program.

(3/7/2012)