This Cheered Me Up!

One of my old students from Taiwan just posted this video, and said she missed me.  It made me so happy and so sad at the same time.  *sigh*

Nice Night

We just walked home in the dark after taking Ana out for her birthday, surrounded by jungle and the sounds of crickets and the river rushing, and the smell of rain on the air.  And for some reason, I just felt so content and peaceful for the first time in a while, like I didn't have to worry about all the stuff I didn't get done today or had to do tomorrow, and could just hold Rick's hand and smile.

Cristofer on Racism

(This story collected and shared by Cheralyn Post.)

Cristofer: *gasps and grabs my arm!* What happened to your arm?
Me: Um.... what do you mean? Nothing happened to my arm.
Cristofer: No, something's wrong with your arm!!
Me: No, really... nothing's wrong with my arm. What are you talking about?
Cristofer: Your arm! Your skin is white!
Me: Um... that's okay, honey, I was born that way.
Cristofer: Oh... wow... I am so sorry that happened.

Forgotten post from Thanksgiving

   I’ve been reading what everyone is saying they are thankful for, and I didn’t know what to say.  So I did something I tell my kids here to do.  I sat down, stayed quiet, breathed deep, and waited and listened for my heart to tell me what it was feeling.  Here’s what surfaced:

  I’m thankful for my friends, both those who share my faith and those who don’t, who’ve been keeping up with what’s going on with us here, and have been giving support and friendship through it all.  You have no idea how much even littlest encouraging comments have been helping me through the days.  And for those who’ve stayed even closer and know more, I couldn’t do this without you.

  I’m also more thankful than I’ve ever been before for my parents.  Every day I’m here, I realize more and more how much they gave me, how much they loved me, how much they made me who I am.  Thank you for being the parents God wanted you to be.  And thank God for giving you to me.

Word to the Wise

While on a short-term mission trip, please do not tell children that you want to be their mom/dad and take them home with you.  It's totally understandable if you *feel* that way.  It's almost impossible not to.  But please express those emotions later when you're not around the kids.  It's very confusing for them to hear things like this and puts their little hearts in quite a state.

Love Hurts

"In love's service, only the wounded soldier can serve." - Thornton Wilder

“It is doubtful whether God can bless a man greatly until He has hurt him deeply.” ― A.W. Tozer

"Weeping may endure for the night, but joy comes in the morning." - Psalm 30:5

Introducing Cris!

From an email to my cousin:

This kid's name is "Cristofer."  He's about 2.5 years old.  He's usually a really calm, quiet, sweet kid.  Well, he had his version of a tantrum yesterday.  He just sat all the way in the back of the class by himself in a tiny, plastic arm chair, sipping pretend tea from a toy tea cup with his legs crossed, looking on disdainfully at the rest of the class as if to say, "You peons!  Your petty attempts at coloring puppies and smearing play-dough on your faces BORE me."  Meanwhile the rest of the class is still working on potty training.

Showing love to little people who are deathly afraid to love.

This is the hardest job I've ever had.

It's like everything that was supposed to happen in their little histories in the way of love and connection, never did, or happened all wrong in the worst of ways.  So now, they're all wired backwards.  Joy can come out as anger.  Excitement can come out as tantrums.  If you're only with them for a week, they fall in love with you, but if they know you'll be there a year, they push you away and treat you nastily so they don't have to lose you.

Everything I loved about teaching - connection, discovery, mutual creation - it's all absent.  Or it comes in such scant little moments that I feel like I'm parched in a dessert, licking up some tiny drop of water I've found somewhere.  Or they hide it from you because they don't want you to know you've touched them, and sometimes, you find out through the grapevine that something you said or did was meaningful, and that tiny little glimmer is all you have to keep you going for days or even weeks of dark.

Yesterday I was reading a little quote book that I kept of funny things my kids used to say in Taiwan.  I was laughing out loud.  They were so fun and whimsical.  They soaked up any love you gave them and used it power their little minds through the learning process.  They loved to find ways to impress you or make your laugh with the way they used their new vocabulary words.

"My elbow grows on an elbow tree."  ~ Jerry, low level English student

"He didn't want to talk about what happened at the zoo, because he feel in the monkey cage, and the monkey made him her baby."  ~ Jolin, mid-level English student

"That man is raking up pieces of human flesh."  ~ Thomas, a macabre, high-level student :o)

But here... well... I just can't see that ever happening.  It's like they're allergic to learning, because they're allergic to engaging.  And they're allergic to failure, so they don't even try.  There are bright spots, but they are like a match someone strikes that goes out almost the second you look at it, rather than the super nova that my former students gave me.

I wish I could say I was strong enough for the matches to be enough to keep me going.  But I don't know if I am.  I just don't know.

The hardest job I've ever had.

中文課在孤兒院

嗯... 我今天教我的第一堂中文課。好像學生很喜歡。我教兩個
學生。五分鐘後，再三個來請我也教他們。

Changing Perspectives

Viviana sporting a blue tongue

photo by Rick

Today, Rick and I did "story time" after school for the second and third grade.  Rick read a book about a crocodile that thought he was a duck.  Martin was *not* pleased.  He had on his angry face and he wouldn't walk by himself and kept mumbling, "Why we no play legos?"  And then, after about two pages, he was hooked.

While I was sitting, pretending it was the most fascinating story I'd ever heard in order to get the kids invested, Yajaira and Viviana, the twins climbed up on my lap, one on each leg.  Now, these girls aren't tubs are anything , but they. are. solid. All muscle those two.  It was like I had two baby giants on my knees, and I felt so small and petite by comparison, even while I'm no lightweight myself.

My thoughts wandered back to a different time in Taiwan a few years back when I signed up for an aerobics class with a bunch of young Taiwanese women.  I was trying to lose weight at the time, and was succeeding.  Every morning, I would take a shower and then look at my belly in the mirror and think, "Today. Today!  Today I will not feel HUMONGOUS compared to those beautiful wisps of women."  And then I would walk into the class with three walls of mirrors, surrounded by teeny, tiny, petitist-of-petite ladies, and look at my big German-English frame fumbling around to the salsa moves and think, "I'm an AMAZON!"

It was funny to feel the perspective shift.

Dramatic Compliments

So, out of the blue in third grade theatre class today, came this dialogue...

Alondra:  Miss Rebekah, you look so pretty today!
Anita:  Yes.  Your socks are so pretty.
Alondra: And her hair. I like her hair!
Caila: And her skirt is so pretty!
Alondra: And her earrings!
Estefania: And her shirt is so pretty!
Anita:  And those socks with those shoes....!
Wilson: Why you have bruises on you leg?
Rebekah: I don't know.  I bruise easily.

I did wonder if they were buttering me up for something (except Wilson, who was just being Wilson), but I honestly didn't care.  These kids can be so moody and tough sometimes, I felt so happy just to hear them practice using kind words.

*Sigh* I'll never change my clothes again.

CONGA! at Casa de Fe

Stayed for Zumba after school today. This was the cool down. Wild times!  

By this point, I had danced for an hour straight with kids taking turns on my back.  I was drenched!  And at one point, there was this one tiny, little dude up dancing on a table.  Ha!  I didn't even know that dude could walk.  They learn early at the foundation.  Otherwise, they just get left in the dust!

Foxtails, Bushmasters, and a bit of Risk-taking

One of the kids lost our foxtail toy in a mini-jungle beside the soccer pitch today and we had to go in after it.  We went home and changed into our bushmaster clothes 'cause we were afraid of "The Equis."  The kids kept coming in and spreading out like ants.  I kept having to shoo them out because they were all in shorts and flip-flops.  We FOUND it though, after like an hour of combing.  The foxtail, that is.  NOT the Equis.

"My strength is sufficient..."

I've always been very self-reliant.  I think the particular blend of skills and talents God gave me, along with some great educators, and just happening to pick areas to work in where these skills come in super-handy, has sort of deceived me into thinking that I can take on just about anything all by myself.  On top of that, I don't really trust other people, so I like to just get things done myself.

So, for better and worse, I'm used to thriving on my own, and pretty much liking it that way.

This job does not facilitate that.  For the first time in my life, I'm in WAY over my head.  I try all the tricks I've learned in the last 10 years of teaching, and they often blow up in my face.  I do tons of research about these kids and this type of situation, and it helps a little some days, while others, I've tried all of it, and still I have a violent tantrum on my hands and I'm just standing there, baffled.  I've asked friends who are professionals for advice, which also helps some, but not enough.  And I give myself more and more margin every day, and still I'm left feeling drained and sometimes, even a bit traumatized.

On one particularly low night, I just cried out to God, and told Him I didn't know what to do anymore.  "I give up!  You're going to have to just take over, because I've tried everything I know how to do, and there's nothing left.  I feel like I've failed."

I rarely say I feel like God is speaking to me, but I thought I heard Him speak then.  He said, "It was never you anyway.  You aren't going to heal them.  I am.  Just put the final result in my hands, and follow me for the guidance.  I'll guide you as you go.  I know what to do."

It's been getting slowly better since then.

Matt. 11:28-29

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A word of encouragment

Someone from our mission who has been following our online posts said this about us.  It made us feel nice:

We sure do appreciate you all there at Casa de Fe - you Estes have added an important zaniness that really help people and places not give up:) We are praying for you all - you are doing "real good" :)

Breakthrough

I had an older student that's normally so well-behaved really act up yesterday.  I asked her what was wrong and told her I knew she didn't normally act up like that.  She wouldn't tell me, but after a couple minutes, she perked up, and was completely fine.

Today I pulled her aside and told her she did a great job "coming back to the class" after that.  I asked her again what was wrong.  She said nothing was, but then suddenly just threw her arms around me and smiled super big.  The smile looked real.

Puppet Personality

Today I let my students use puppets in class, because there was thunder, and they were pretty scared. Well, one of the boys, Martin, had this whole other personality emerge! He and his puppet were conversing about questions I asked THE WHOLE CLASS LONG: 

Me: So, is your puppet a boy or a girl? 

*Martin and Hormiguita duck behind a cabinet and confer. Hormiguita pops out.* 

Hormiguita: I'm a boy! *looks at Martin* Yes? 

Martin: Yes. 

Hormiguita: Yes. I'm a boy!

Giggle Fit!

PE at Casa de Fe!