I've always been very self-reliant. I think the particular blend of skills and talents God gave me, along with some great educators, and just happening to pick areas to work in where these skills come in super-handy, has sort of deceived me into thinking that I can take on just about anything all by myself. On top of that, I don't really trust other people, so I like to just get things done myself.
So, for better and worse, I'm used to thriving on my own, and pretty much liking it that way.
This job does not facilitate that. For the first time in my life, I'm in WAY over my head. I try all the tricks I've learned in the last 10 years of teaching, and they often blow up in my face. I do tons of research about these kids and this type of situation, and it helps a little some days, while others, I've tried all of it, and still I have a violent tantrum on my hands and I'm just standing there, baffled. I've asked friends who are professionals for advice, which also helps some, but not enough. And I give myself more and more margin every day, and still I'm left feeling drained and sometimes, even a bit traumatized.
On one particularly low night, I just cried out to God, and told Him I didn't know what to do anymore. "I give up! You're going to have to just take over, because I've tried everything I know how to do, and there's nothing left. I feel like I've failed."
I rarely say I feel like God is speaking to me, but I thought I heard Him speak then. He said, "It was never you anyway. You aren't going to heal them. I am. Just put the final result in my hands, and follow me for the guidance. I'll guide you as you go. I know what to do."
It's been getting slowly better since then.
Matt. 11:28-29
